ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
