I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
