I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
