How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
