I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
worst night to have a conscience
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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