Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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