evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
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I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
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the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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