My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
