I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
