Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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