just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
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I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
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And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind