Only a mothe r could love this liver
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
COCAINE IS GR8
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion