I will die if light touches me.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
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Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
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Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing