Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Your mankini haunted my dreams.