when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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