all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
