There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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