The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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