did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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