Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
