apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
