Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
