I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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