Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
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