My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The uberlube is also flammable
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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