his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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