so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
