She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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