I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
