i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
that's an acceptable place to lick
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
