If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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