take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
