my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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