dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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