When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
