never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
