Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
