I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
