Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
