I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I will be naked everywhere
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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