Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
