I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
