When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
