I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
