Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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