remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
