I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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