at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
