If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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