I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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