I wish I could teleport
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
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I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
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Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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