cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
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