I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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