girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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