saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Welp...herpes.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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