got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
