there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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