I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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