I heard we made out
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
