I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
