This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
