I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
so much tequila, so little girl.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
