im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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