Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
