Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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