How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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