hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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