your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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