I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
