So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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